Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Nice try, poison.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner